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True contingency

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  • True contingency

    Everybody has a zombie contingency plan. A unique and ingenious stratagem they've spent hours contemplating that ensures they and their loved ones will stay alive in the event of a zombie apocalypse. The only problem? You've got the exact same essential plan as everybody else: go raid the gun store, get out of the cities as fast as possible, find a sturdy base to fortify and hole up in, use a melee weapon whenever possible to conserve ammo and--if the worst does come to pass and you find yourself facing down a crowd of the undead--take your time, aim carefully and make every shot a head shot.

    Jesus, you're not going to last five minutes. Here's why: First things first: You need a firearm. The time for "common sense gun control" went out the window the second grandpa came back from the afterlife to make a sandwich out of your face. No matter what your political stance was before the uprising, you ****ing love the Second Amendment now. You want the biggest, shiniest, loudest monstrosity possible. If there's a gun that shoots a thousand bullets a second; that's great. If there's one that shoots a thousand flaming bullets a second; even better! If there's a gun that shoots out other guns that all fire thousands of flaming bullets in mere seconds--like some sort of pyramid scheme comprised entirely of shredding death infernos--well, that would be just dandy. But even if you already have the god-king of firearms at your disposal, you're still not ready. You need to arm everybody in your group, you need spares just in case and you need ammo. In short, you need to get to the gun store.

    The only problem being: So does everybody else.

    The closest gun shop to your house is also the closest gun shop to a thousand other people's houses, and at least a few dozen of them are going to get there before you. Assuming that the place isn't clean out--probably because the shop is either locked down like a fortress, or because the owners are barricaded inside and would rather like to keep their livelihood and defensive measures, thanks--you still need to get your arsenal. See, owners of gun stores tend to like guns, and people that like guns not only generally want to keep them, but are also quite capable of using them. Now you and a thousand other people are on the outside of a suburban fortress, hurling "pretty pleases" at a half-insane, heavily-armed, trained marksmen inside. Not only are you probably not coming away from the gun store with a shiny new weapon; you'd be lucky to get out of there without an impromptu sunroof installed in your skull. Zombies don't get bored or impatient, they need nothing to keep them alive (because they're, you know, not) and they're not really known for their logistic prowess: No cons will be weighed here. Food is a pro. You are food. You are there. So there are only pros here. They will wait for you forever. But you will run out of supplies eventually, and every day you stay put in your nigh-invulnerable bunker is another day zombies pile up outside. Zombies aren't a threat because they thin out gradually over time - they're a threat because they ****ing multiply. Zombies beget zombies beget zombies, and they do their best begetting while scrabbling incessantly at your door for months on end because they can hear you crying inside. All "holing up" in a stationary location does is make the zombies want it more. NOW REPLACE ALL THE WORDS ZOMBIE OR ZOMBIES WITH DEMOCRATS, AND THIS WILL MAKE SOME SENSE!!!!
    If at first, you don't succeed, suck harder.

  • #2
    I have a couple of solutions to your gun store problem.

    #1- I have 1 small pistol, .22 fits in pocket, easily concealable. I have 1 large pistol, .45 cal 1911 puts a hole in anything. 1 shotgun, set up for small dark places, 1 270 set up for long range, and of course, an AR-15, set up for anything. 1000 rounds for each. G2G for a while, no gun store needed.

    #2- You need more guns or more bullets? (Remember we are hypothetically in a survival situation here), hole up near the gun store, wait until someone comes and cleans it out. They are taking the risks and using the calories packing everything. When he is about to go, shoot him, take his car, G2G.