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At what point does old age arrive?

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  • At what point does old age arrive?

    Are you old...Do you know someone who is advanced in years?
    I guess all of us (those over age 55), at some time or the other, thought that those who had reached their 30th birthday were considered old..
    Then when we hit that aged number, 30 didn't seem all that bad.
    But then 40 rolled around and we began studying those Social Security mailings a bit closer.
    By the time the big "five-Oh" arrived. not only were we reading the fine print on the social security information received in the mail, but we were seriously considering joining AARP in order to quality for ll the senior citizen discounts.

    But how do we know when the actual old age arrives?

    You and your teeth don't sleep together .
    An attractive woman catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the nearest garage door.
    When your wife says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer "Honey, I can't do both.
    It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
    Happy hour is a nap
    When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.
    Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
    it takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
    The pharmacist has become your new best friend
    The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
    You get two invitations to go out on the same night and pick the one that gets you home the earliest.
    You have more patience, but actually it's just that you don't care anymore.
    You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.
    You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
    Your hip sets of a metal detector.
    Everytime you suck in your gut your ankles swell.
    You're suffering from Mallizheimer's disease. You go to the mall and forget where you parked the car.
    Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
    If you never smoked,, you can start now because it won't have time to hurt you.
    Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
    Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
    There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
    Your joints are more accurate than the National weather service.
    In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
    Your new easy chair has more options than your car
    Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
    It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
    You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker
    You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
    You look both ways before crossing a room.
    You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
    You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
    All of your favorite movies are now released in color.
    You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
    Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.
    Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper
    You sing along with the elevator music.
    You consider coffee one of the most important things in life
    People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you"
    You send money to PBS
    You take a metal detector to the beach .
    Fashion statement, black socks with sandals
    Your ears are hairier than your head.
    You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
    you have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it
    Everything that works hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work
    Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
    Your knees buckle and your belt won't
    You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
    you know all the answers, but nobody ask the questions
    You don't remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.
    You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.

  • #2
    Haha! That is one of the better lists I've seen.

    Another one to add to the list:

    You enjoy the same books and movies over and over because you don't quite remember how the stories end.


    You have to check on your "previous order" list at Amazon before ordering books and such, just to make sure you haven't already ordered it. (Yes, I have lots of reference and DIY "how-to" books, and sometimes I misfile them in the wrong place. I have learned that it is a good idea to double check...)


    • #3
      Those are good ones to.


      • #4
        I told a friend of mine I was having an affair. He asked if I was having it catered.
        Your hairline goes North, and your beltline goes South.
        You can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine.

        The Senility Prayer: Grant me the senility to forget the people

        I never liked anyway,

        The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and

        The eyesight to tell the difference.
        A friend, who is older than I am had a GREAT T-Shirt: Inside this body there is a young person wondering what the hell happened.

        We could go on with these for days. All good fun.
        The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.

        Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is you are stupid, and make bad decisions.


        • #5
          This thread is turning into gold!


          • #6
            Simply put, Old age arrives when Ibuprofen no longer controls your aches and pains.


            • #7
              Mrghostwalker, ride with the best!

              Click image for larger version  Name:	560.jpg Views:	1 Size:	103.4 KB ID:	217296


              • #8
                Grizz: I love that. I have to get one of those!!! I will have to find some more to keep this going.

                Grizz: This one keeps your Cajun trend going:
                DIRTY OLD MEN

                An elderly man in Louisiana owned a large farm for many years.

                He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

                One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over as he hadn't been there in a while.

                Before he went he grabbed a 5 gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

                As he neared the pond he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he got closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

                He made all the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

                One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave".

                The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or watch you get out of the pond naked".

                Holding up the bucked he said,...."I'm here to feed the alligator".

                Some old men can still think fast.

                Valued Member
                Last edited by Morgan101; 12-06-2018, 09:07 AM.
                The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.

                Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is you are stupid, and make bad decisions.


                • #9
                  Hubby almost fell on the floor laughing at that one. Good one Morgan.


                  • #10
                    Hahahaha!!!!! I had forgotten about that one!!! It never gets old because it is so funny. Thanks for reviving a classic!

                    Morg, if you like that shirt, Amazon has all kinds of variations to tickle your fancy:



                    • #11

                      Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year,

                      And every year Ed would say,

                      " Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

                      Norma always replied,

                      " I know Ed , but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

                      And fifty bucks is fifty bucks!

                      One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said,

                      " Norma, I'm 75 years old.

                      If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"

                      To this, Norma replied,

                      " Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks"

                      The pilot overheard the couple and said,

                      " Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

                      But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."

                      Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.

                      The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

                      He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

                      But still not a word...

                      When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said,

                      "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! "

                      Ed replied,

                      " Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Norma fell out,

                      But you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

                      I could keep this thread going forever. Lots of material of the Senior variety.

                      Valued Member
                      Last edited by Morgan101; 12-07-2018, 09:17 AM.
                      The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.

                      Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is you are stupid, and make bad decisions.


                      • #12
                        LMAO! Excellent thread. The laughs were badly needed and well received.


                        • #13
                          One for the Ibuprofen gang...

                          A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'


                          • #14
                            An old woman was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

                            The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The old man calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'


                            • #15
                              These jokes are funny until you get OLD!!!!!!