I awoke with a startled gasp. I couldn’t see. All I could hear was a high pitched whine. I was sitting hunched over my own legs which were folded under me. I could feel my bony knees as the side of my face rested on them. Both my arms and legs were numb. I tried to move my head and it felt like somebody was running a knife along my neck and spine. I sat there and gurgled. I could feel saliva running down my mouth. My nose seemed not to work. Gurgling, my heart beating and numbness were my whole world.
I remembered things as I sat there frozen. My kids and my wife, our dog. The house I lived in, the one with the two garage doors. The left door didn’t work. I need to fix that. I was always putting it off. Our house was like the other houses on the street and in the neighborhood. They were all the same, except the colors. Was I in my house? I willed my arm to rise and touched my face. I could feel my face, but the hand didn’t seem like mine. It felt like a lump of wet flesh, a Sunday pot roast. My mouth tasted like blood and dirt. I thought of myself as conscience, yet in a constant state of nothingness.
I passed out again.
I woke up and passed out. It seemed like hours I had been this way. Or was it days? Had I been here for days? Where was I? I still couldn’t see and my world was so small. After waking and slipping into oblivion and waking, more times than I could remember, something changed; the pain came.
My legs began to feel like somebody was hitting them with a hammer. They throbbed in unison. I tried to will myself to move them, to feel if I were bleeding. Was I bleeding to death? I couldn’t do anything but breathe, a ragged breath of a dying man I had heard so often. Where did I hear this? Who was I? When I next passed out, it was most welcome.
Next, I saw a light. It wasn’t a comforting light. It was blurry and it was full of dust. The light was coming from a crack above me. The dust swirled within the light and irritated my eyes. I couldn’t lift my arms to rub them. All I could do was blink. It was bright and dark at the same time, a dull gray thing that my mind did not compute. I could see the light change and grow dark. I finally realized it was smoke. Smoke was causing the light to darken. I could smell it now. I panicked. Was I going to burn? Was I going to die feeling the heat consuming my body? I moaned, the only sound I could make.
The next thing I remembered was water dripping near my head. It was dark again, but I could feel the spatter on my forehead. Drip, drip, drip, splatter; three drips and a splatter, I counted them, like a drum cadence. I moved my arm up and felt the cold water slowly dripping down; drip, drip, drip, splatter. I moved my arm to my mouth and tasted the water. It tasted like blood. Or was it my own blood I tasted. So thirsty. So alone. I decided at that moment to die and promptly passed out.
The light again and anger. I yelled within my mind that I had given up and wanted to die. All that came out was moaning. Was I yelling out to God? My boss? My father who I rarely saw growing up? The light came back above me. Shining through the crack a million miles above my head. I tried to stand and was immediately awarded with pain shooting down my back. Pain was good, right? Pain means that you are alive. I was alive. Or…. Was I dead?
This was certainly Hell. What happened? I had lived a good life. I did good things. I gave money to the poor and I helped those people who needed help. I went to church. Why had God punished me to this place?
I reached up and saw my hand. My fingers were broken and misshaped. I could see a bone sticking out of my pinky. My hand was crusted blood and dirt. The numbness was still there, but now a deep throbbing also. I moved the lump of flesh to the dripping water and tried to clean it off. . I could hear screaming and realized it was me.
I could hear again. The squealing in my head had slowly gone away as I sat there hunched over. I could hear rumbling in the distance and fire roaring. Every so often a distant explosion. Where was I? Who was I? I tried to stand again, the pain shooting down my back and legs. This time I hit my head on a plank or a girder above me. It made me go dizzy and reel back down. I reached up and felt it with what was left of my right hand. I grabbed my mangled hand. My left hand was numb, however, through the distant light; I could see that it wasn’t as broken as its twin. The numbness started seeping away from my body, being replaced with pain. Cold- intense pain.
I spat blood, spit and dust and reached out with my “good” hand grabbing the plank above me. I had just enough strength to pull myself up; grabbing the plank like a toddler grabs its mother’s leg. I held this position until the strength left my body and I fell back down to my grave.
I had nothing to do but scream and cry and wish I could die. I became nauseous and threw up, tasting the bitterness of it.
We had purchased our house in a suburb of Atlanta. I worked a job that I can’t remember doing. I was married to my college sweetheart a few months after graduating. She was a…. She was a? I can’t remember what or where she worked. I can’t remember what she looked like. We had kids. I remember kids. There was Kari our first born. She turned 16 a while back. We had a party at an amusement park. Then there was my son. His name was. His name was. His name was? I can’t remember his name. He rode his bike to school. His bike was red and green. Screaming. My head. My head was being crushed. Was it physical pain or the pain of forgetting?
I woke again into a nightmare worse than what I dreamed. I could now smell wood burning and plastic. The crack of light above me. The smoke and sunlight trading places. I can’t remember.
I..
I….
I had to go up. Up was where I could live or die. Up was where the light was. I reached up again and grabbed the plank. I tried to ignore the pain in my body. I pulled myself over the plank. It wasn’t wood or metal. It was made of flesh. The plank or girder was made of flesh. It bled down onto me. Into me. Into my mouth. Into my nose. I felt my stomach flip as I hung there and threw up again down into my hole. I swung my leg over the plank and held my position there shakily. I knew if I went back down into the hole, I would not die. I would live forever in a place that was neither life nor death. I had to go up. Whether to die or live, I didn’t care.
What happened? I now lay on my back with rubble around me. I could see smoke and fire in the buildings around me. The buildings were high on either side of the street. Small town America was ablaze. I could feel a rumbling. Or could I hear the rumbling? It was light out. I could see the sky. It was gray and smoky. I turned my head and saw “my hole” Did I hear screams coming out of it, my screams? It was beckoning me back. It was telling me to come back inside where it was safe. I coughed and vomited dust.
There was a piece of rebar sticking out of the ground next to the hole. I pulled myself to it and reached out with my good hand. I was able to pull myself, despite the pain, using the bar. I stood hunched over leaning against this staff. I squinted and looked around. I was on what was left of a sidewalk, a road. There were ruined and gutted buildings around me. Some were on fire. The road was littered with paper and dust blowing, covering everything. I could see smashed cars, with large pieces of concrete lying on top of them. I looked the other way, down the road. There was an ambulance lying on its side. I could see a mangled body partly covered by a dirty and bloody sheet. I began to see other people lying on the road and sidewalk. Most were mangled, some burned. Some lay there as if sleeping peacefully. I stood there swaying. I could smell burning flesh and feces. I could feel the heat of the fires near me. I bowed my head and closed my eyes, leaning against post. I saw death even with my eyes closed.
I flew on planes. I did it a few times a month for my job. I dressed in a suit and neatly folded my jacket, placing it in the storage above my seat when I flew. My favorite suit was a pin stripped dark navy blue suit my wife had gotten me for my birthday when I turned 35. How old was I really? I felt like an old frail man. Yeah, flying. I liked flying. It gave me a chance of closing my eyes and meditate about life. I was busy. I worked hard. I made a lot of money. I had a boat on a lake…or was it on the ocean? Life had been good. I was happy. I yelled “Is this hell?” to the sky.
I sucked in a lungful of air and opened my eyes as I leaned against the rebar. I looked down and saw that I was wearing pinstripe pants. They were dirty and ripped. I was wearing a shoe, a nice brown leather shoe. I had socks on but only one shoe. The shirt I was wearing had once been white. It was now covered in white dust and splattered with blood. My blood? Was it my blood? I looked again at my tattered hand and laughed, swaying as rooted against the metal post.
I was startled back into the sick reality around me. Besides my mangled hand, I felt fresh blood slowly pouring down my head. I looked towards the ambulance on its side. I decided to make my way to it and try to treat my wounds. I pulled the rebar trying to get it out of the concrete for which it was stuck. It took several minutes to break the bar out of the concrete. I used it, stumbling towards the ambulance.
It was then I heard the scream. I knew it wasn’t coming from me.
The screaming was echoing against the buildings and I heard it over the rumbling and flames. I could hear it getting closer. It sounded like a man, but I couldn’t be sure. I struggled to get to the ambulance, stumbling forward and will my legs to work. My flight or fight syndrome kicked in and I was terrified. I fell a few feet from the vehicle and crawled forward shaking with pain and fear. After what felt like minutes, I was able to crawl into the ambulance and close the open back door. I laid there in the dark.
“I HEAR THEM…I HEAR THEM…THEY ARE EATING THEM….THEY ARE EATING THEM!”
I heard the voice.
“WAIT….WAIT….IT’S NOT OVER…..THEY ARE ALIVE. THEY ARE ALL SLEEPING!”
The voice stopped yelling and I could hear it mumbling as it walked by my hiding place. I was still and terrified. My mouth was dusty dry. I shook more, not because of the pain I felt, but because of the fear of that monster outside finding me. He was death and pain. Whomever outside was dying and taking anyone else he could find with him.
“FLAMES…FLAMES…. YOU ARE BURNING IN YOUR MIND!”
The yelling man’s voice sounded farther away as I cowered. After a time, I was able to lock the back door from the inside with a clank. I waited silently and only moved when I saw bottles of purified water that had fallen off the shelf they had been stored in. The water tasted metallic, but I drank three of them. I was then able to push an empty stretcher against the front seats. I stacked bags of equipment; a defibrillator, a heart monitor and other bags on top of the stretcher. I made sure the crew cab was blocked. That man I heard might come back and try to force his way in, I was sure of it. Had he seen me crawling to the ambulance? Had he sensed another dead man teetering toward insanity? I chattered my teeth in the darkness, hugging my metal bar against my chest.
Soon, after a time, minutes? Hours? I decided to tend to my wounds. I was able to find a dressing which I wound around my head. Whether it was the physical activity I did, or the loss of blood, I got dizzy and passed out against the cold inside of the ambulance.
When I woke, my mangled hand and head were throbbing. I thought I had little medical experience, but knew that I needed to try and straighten my fingers and put a splint on my hand. Was I once a medic? Was I a doctor? I was familiar with the equipment in the ambulance but couldn’t say why. I rummaged through the cabinets and found a splint that looked like it was made for fingers or toes. I found a bottle of rubbing alcohol and some dressings. I also found a locked box mounted on the side of the ambulance that said “Class II” on its side.
I used the rebar and broke the lock. Inside I found several small bottles of morphine and pill bottles of Hydrocodone. I took three of the pills and began to clean up my hand using the alcohol and bandages. I could see after removing the dirt and dried up blood that I had sustained a crushing injury. It appeared as if three of my fingers were broken and I had a large cut between my thumb and pointing finger. After cleaning, I took a deep breath and attempted to straighten my middle finger. The pain made me scream out and I blacked out slightly as I tried to rub clean the wound. I was going to have to use more than just the pills. I prepared a syringe with the morphine. How did I know these skills? My memory was still fragmented and missing. It took minutes to get the shot ready using my only good hand and my leg and mouth.
I shot up my hand with the morphine. I could feel the medication warm my arm and make its way to my back and head injury. I began to feel drowsy. I placed my misshapen hand on a counter and used the rebar to roll my fingers straight whimpering in agony and sweat. I quickly put the splint on and the wrapped the whole thing in a long bandage.
Feeling even drowsier, I grabbed a blanket and pillow and was barely able to lay down before falling asleep. I dreamed of screams and gunshots and the insane man laughing in my face as his hands squeezed my neck.
I remembered things as I sat there frozen. My kids and my wife, our dog. The house I lived in, the one with the two garage doors. The left door didn’t work. I need to fix that. I was always putting it off. Our house was like the other houses on the street and in the neighborhood. They were all the same, except the colors. Was I in my house? I willed my arm to rise and touched my face. I could feel my face, but the hand didn’t seem like mine. It felt like a lump of wet flesh, a Sunday pot roast. My mouth tasted like blood and dirt. I thought of myself as conscience, yet in a constant state of nothingness.
I passed out again.
I woke up and passed out. It seemed like hours I had been this way. Or was it days? Had I been here for days? Where was I? I still couldn’t see and my world was so small. After waking and slipping into oblivion and waking, more times than I could remember, something changed; the pain came.
My legs began to feel like somebody was hitting them with a hammer. They throbbed in unison. I tried to will myself to move them, to feel if I were bleeding. Was I bleeding to death? I couldn’t do anything but breathe, a ragged breath of a dying man I had heard so often. Where did I hear this? Who was I? When I next passed out, it was most welcome.
Next, I saw a light. It wasn’t a comforting light. It was blurry and it was full of dust. The light was coming from a crack above me. The dust swirled within the light and irritated my eyes. I couldn’t lift my arms to rub them. All I could do was blink. It was bright and dark at the same time, a dull gray thing that my mind did not compute. I could see the light change and grow dark. I finally realized it was smoke. Smoke was causing the light to darken. I could smell it now. I panicked. Was I going to burn? Was I going to die feeling the heat consuming my body? I moaned, the only sound I could make.
The next thing I remembered was water dripping near my head. It was dark again, but I could feel the spatter on my forehead. Drip, drip, drip, splatter; three drips and a splatter, I counted them, like a drum cadence. I moved my arm up and felt the cold water slowly dripping down; drip, drip, drip, splatter. I moved my arm to my mouth and tasted the water. It tasted like blood. Or was it my own blood I tasted. So thirsty. So alone. I decided at that moment to die and promptly passed out.
The light again and anger. I yelled within my mind that I had given up and wanted to die. All that came out was moaning. Was I yelling out to God? My boss? My father who I rarely saw growing up? The light came back above me. Shining through the crack a million miles above my head. I tried to stand and was immediately awarded with pain shooting down my back. Pain was good, right? Pain means that you are alive. I was alive. Or…. Was I dead?
This was certainly Hell. What happened? I had lived a good life. I did good things. I gave money to the poor and I helped those people who needed help. I went to church. Why had God punished me to this place?
I reached up and saw my hand. My fingers were broken and misshaped. I could see a bone sticking out of my pinky. My hand was crusted blood and dirt. The numbness was still there, but now a deep throbbing also. I moved the lump of flesh to the dripping water and tried to clean it off. . I could hear screaming and realized it was me.
I could hear again. The squealing in my head had slowly gone away as I sat there hunched over. I could hear rumbling in the distance and fire roaring. Every so often a distant explosion. Where was I? Who was I? I tried to stand again, the pain shooting down my back and legs. This time I hit my head on a plank or a girder above me. It made me go dizzy and reel back down. I reached up and felt it with what was left of my right hand. I grabbed my mangled hand. My left hand was numb, however, through the distant light; I could see that it wasn’t as broken as its twin. The numbness started seeping away from my body, being replaced with pain. Cold- intense pain.
I spat blood, spit and dust and reached out with my “good” hand grabbing the plank above me. I had just enough strength to pull myself up; grabbing the plank like a toddler grabs its mother’s leg. I held this position until the strength left my body and I fell back down to my grave.
I had nothing to do but scream and cry and wish I could die. I became nauseous and threw up, tasting the bitterness of it.
We had purchased our house in a suburb of Atlanta. I worked a job that I can’t remember doing. I was married to my college sweetheart a few months after graduating. She was a…. She was a? I can’t remember what or where she worked. I can’t remember what she looked like. We had kids. I remember kids. There was Kari our first born. She turned 16 a while back. We had a party at an amusement park. Then there was my son. His name was. His name was. His name was? I can’t remember his name. He rode his bike to school. His bike was red and green. Screaming. My head. My head was being crushed. Was it physical pain or the pain of forgetting?
I woke again into a nightmare worse than what I dreamed. I could now smell wood burning and plastic. The crack of light above me. The smoke and sunlight trading places. I can’t remember.
I..
I….
I had to go up. Up was where I could live or die. Up was where the light was. I reached up again and grabbed the plank. I tried to ignore the pain in my body. I pulled myself over the plank. It wasn’t wood or metal. It was made of flesh. The plank or girder was made of flesh. It bled down onto me. Into me. Into my mouth. Into my nose. I felt my stomach flip as I hung there and threw up again down into my hole. I swung my leg over the plank and held my position there shakily. I knew if I went back down into the hole, I would not die. I would live forever in a place that was neither life nor death. I had to go up. Whether to die or live, I didn’t care.
What happened? I now lay on my back with rubble around me. I could see smoke and fire in the buildings around me. The buildings were high on either side of the street. Small town America was ablaze. I could feel a rumbling. Or could I hear the rumbling? It was light out. I could see the sky. It was gray and smoky. I turned my head and saw “my hole” Did I hear screams coming out of it, my screams? It was beckoning me back. It was telling me to come back inside where it was safe. I coughed and vomited dust.
There was a piece of rebar sticking out of the ground next to the hole. I pulled myself to it and reached out with my good hand. I was able to pull myself, despite the pain, using the bar. I stood hunched over leaning against this staff. I squinted and looked around. I was on what was left of a sidewalk, a road. There were ruined and gutted buildings around me. Some were on fire. The road was littered with paper and dust blowing, covering everything. I could see smashed cars, with large pieces of concrete lying on top of them. I looked the other way, down the road. There was an ambulance lying on its side. I could see a mangled body partly covered by a dirty and bloody sheet. I began to see other people lying on the road and sidewalk. Most were mangled, some burned. Some lay there as if sleeping peacefully. I stood there swaying. I could smell burning flesh and feces. I could feel the heat of the fires near me. I bowed my head and closed my eyes, leaning against post. I saw death even with my eyes closed.
I flew on planes. I did it a few times a month for my job. I dressed in a suit and neatly folded my jacket, placing it in the storage above my seat when I flew. My favorite suit was a pin stripped dark navy blue suit my wife had gotten me for my birthday when I turned 35. How old was I really? I felt like an old frail man. Yeah, flying. I liked flying. It gave me a chance of closing my eyes and meditate about life. I was busy. I worked hard. I made a lot of money. I had a boat on a lake…or was it on the ocean? Life had been good. I was happy. I yelled “Is this hell?” to the sky.
I sucked in a lungful of air and opened my eyes as I leaned against the rebar. I looked down and saw that I was wearing pinstripe pants. They were dirty and ripped. I was wearing a shoe, a nice brown leather shoe. I had socks on but only one shoe. The shirt I was wearing had once been white. It was now covered in white dust and splattered with blood. My blood? Was it my blood? I looked again at my tattered hand and laughed, swaying as rooted against the metal post.
I was startled back into the sick reality around me. Besides my mangled hand, I felt fresh blood slowly pouring down my head. I looked towards the ambulance on its side. I decided to make my way to it and try to treat my wounds. I pulled the rebar trying to get it out of the concrete for which it was stuck. It took several minutes to break the bar out of the concrete. I used it, stumbling towards the ambulance.
It was then I heard the scream. I knew it wasn’t coming from me.
The screaming was echoing against the buildings and I heard it over the rumbling and flames. I could hear it getting closer. It sounded like a man, but I couldn’t be sure. I struggled to get to the ambulance, stumbling forward and will my legs to work. My flight or fight syndrome kicked in and I was terrified. I fell a few feet from the vehicle and crawled forward shaking with pain and fear. After what felt like minutes, I was able to crawl into the ambulance and close the open back door. I laid there in the dark.
“I HEAR THEM…I HEAR THEM…THEY ARE EATING THEM….THEY ARE EATING THEM!”
I heard the voice.
“WAIT….WAIT….IT’S NOT OVER…..THEY ARE ALIVE. THEY ARE ALL SLEEPING!”
The voice stopped yelling and I could hear it mumbling as it walked by my hiding place. I was still and terrified. My mouth was dusty dry. I shook more, not because of the pain I felt, but because of the fear of that monster outside finding me. He was death and pain. Whomever outside was dying and taking anyone else he could find with him.
“FLAMES…FLAMES…. YOU ARE BURNING IN YOUR MIND!”
The yelling man’s voice sounded farther away as I cowered. After a time, I was able to lock the back door from the inside with a clank. I waited silently and only moved when I saw bottles of purified water that had fallen off the shelf they had been stored in. The water tasted metallic, but I drank three of them. I was then able to push an empty stretcher against the front seats. I stacked bags of equipment; a defibrillator, a heart monitor and other bags on top of the stretcher. I made sure the crew cab was blocked. That man I heard might come back and try to force his way in, I was sure of it. Had he seen me crawling to the ambulance? Had he sensed another dead man teetering toward insanity? I chattered my teeth in the darkness, hugging my metal bar against my chest.
Soon, after a time, minutes? Hours? I decided to tend to my wounds. I was able to find a dressing which I wound around my head. Whether it was the physical activity I did, or the loss of blood, I got dizzy and passed out against the cold inside of the ambulance.
When I woke, my mangled hand and head were throbbing. I thought I had little medical experience, but knew that I needed to try and straighten my fingers and put a splint on my hand. Was I once a medic? Was I a doctor? I was familiar with the equipment in the ambulance but couldn’t say why. I rummaged through the cabinets and found a splint that looked like it was made for fingers or toes. I found a bottle of rubbing alcohol and some dressings. I also found a locked box mounted on the side of the ambulance that said “Class II” on its side.
I used the rebar and broke the lock. Inside I found several small bottles of morphine and pill bottles of Hydrocodone. I took three of the pills and began to clean up my hand using the alcohol and bandages. I could see after removing the dirt and dried up blood that I had sustained a crushing injury. It appeared as if three of my fingers were broken and I had a large cut between my thumb and pointing finger. After cleaning, I took a deep breath and attempted to straighten my middle finger. The pain made me scream out and I blacked out slightly as I tried to rub clean the wound. I was going to have to use more than just the pills. I prepared a syringe with the morphine. How did I know these skills? My memory was still fragmented and missing. It took minutes to get the shot ready using my only good hand and my leg and mouth.
I shot up my hand with the morphine. I could feel the medication warm my arm and make its way to my back and head injury. I began to feel drowsy. I placed my misshapen hand on a counter and used the rebar to roll my fingers straight whimpering in agony and sweat. I quickly put the splint on and the wrapped the whole thing in a long bandage.
Feeling even drowsier, I grabbed a blanket and pillow and was barely able to lay down before falling asleep. I dreamed of screams and gunshots and the insane man laughing in my face as his hands squeezed my neck.
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